weekly wednesday wroundup (NOW WITH MORE FIRE)

Well, readers, I don't know what to tell you. I moved up here hoping to regale you with stories of blizzards, snow days, snowmen, and pictures of how large my biceps have grown with all the shoveling I've been doing. 

Instead, this winter has been so mild I'm officially changing its name from Old Man Winter to Balding Middle-Aged Winter. Maybe Mid-Life Crisis Winter With a Sports Car and Pending Divorce.

It snowed today. An inch of snow, sure, but tomorrow's March and I'm betting it's the last chance I'll have to really put that old fireplace of mine to good use.

So spice the wine and pop some marshmallows in the hot chocolate, kids, and let's cuddle up by the fire with this week's link selections.

A roaring fire and a Hitchcock movie -- AKA my dream snow day

Bonus points if you can name the movie...

1.) Stunning, stunning recolored portraits.

These really breathe some life into some of history's most famous faces. Check 'em out.



2.) Why I Took My Seven-Year-Old to a Tattoo Parlor


This article totally made me think of you, Steph. Knowing what Steph's currently going through as a piercing apprentice makes me trust tattoo parlors wayyyyyyy more than the Piercing Pagoda at the mall. Got kids? Got girls? Debating a piercing? You'll wanna give this a look.



3.) The 25 Greatest Unscripted Scenes in Films (NSFW due to...well...due to Full Metal Jacket)


As a veteran improv gal, this warmed my Yes-Anding heart. A must-watch for any movie lover.

Actually? You know what? A must-watch for anyone. Love.









Happy Leap Day, folks. Now go chow down on some frog legs or go skydiving or something. Y'know, whatever it is people do on Leap Day.




And yes...today IS Derrick's last day of medicine. Why, yes, we ARE planning on dousing ourselves in champagne and running naked through the neighborhood. Why, yes, we probably WILL get arrested. Why, yes, I definitely WILL live-tweet from jail. Hashtag #handbagbehindbars.





And finally...my tequila swillin' soul mate Kat is going through moving-and-insomnia hell right now. Swing by her blog and leave her somethin' nice to read, will ya?

sometimes....

...ya just gotta dance.

#oscarsdrinkinggame: year 2

If you were sober and/or boring enough to be interested in Year 1, you can find it here.

Drink When:

-Milla Jovovich looks like she's about to eviscerate someone.

-Someone mentions the phrase "cruelty-free silkworms." Because they did. And it was either drink or throw a cruelty-free remote control at the television.

-Someone forgets who they're wearing. 

-Chug your drink for the same amount of time you spend arguing over Kelly Osbourne's hair color (gray? pink? lavender?) 

-Someone mentions Eddie Murphy and/or the Great Hathaway/Franco Debacle of 2011.

-Any time you want to throttle/mangle/kill Ryan Seacrest, including but not limited to:

• Gives Academy Award-nominated actresses speeches on "How Hollywood Works";
• Fondles an actor's family member or says something patronizing like, "Aren't you cute?";
• Doesn't understand when an actor is f*cking with him;
• Tries a foreign accent and embarrasses the entire United States of America;
• Says the phrase "Bisquick'd";
• Acts like a douche after said Bisquicking occurred;
• Pretends he deserves sympathy after being doused with pancake mix;
• Doesn't understand that he's not a celebrity, he just feeds off the lives of other celebrities like some gnome-like, bow-tied piranha.

  

  Drink every time you catch Seacrest in an awkward facial expression

  
  

- Ryan's E! co-stars mercilessly make fun of him for the Great Urn Dumping Incident of 2012.

-Nick Nolte asks, "what?" or "whadja say?" Also applicable: awkward silences caused by Nick Nolte pretending to understand a correspondent.

-Tim Gunn looks adorably awkward and you want to hug him and squeeze him and tell him what a silver fox he is in his tuxedo. You make it work, Tim Gunn. You make it work.

-You find yourself grinning at Billy C. in spite of yourself.

-Someone in your house mentions Billy Crystal's face, including but not limited to:

• What happened?
• When did it get so round?
• Is he smiling? I think he's smiling. Maybe he's grimacing. Hard to tell.
  

-Someone comments on J.Lo's dress material (Packing tape. I'm just saying), shape, or style.

• I didn't see a nip slip. Maybe y'all with your fancy HD TVs did, but this girl with her old-school square TV could NOT figure out what Twitter was yammering about. Ann Hathaway's lace nipple spirals were way more prominent.
• To this day, "Anne Hathaway nipples" remains a popular search term for the Loaded Handbag.
• I'm not gonna pretend I'm not proud.
  
  
  

-The ceremony features Adam Sandler as if he can still be considered an actor after the tragedy that was Jack & Jill.

-Someone geeks out over the Muppets (oh, that's just me. Sorry, y'all.)

-You start considering the following hosts for future ceremonies:

• Chris Rock
• the Christopher Guest gang
• the Muppets
• Robert Downey Jr.
• Zach Galafinakis
• Cirque du Soleil (what? You know it'd make a killer show)
  

-Hugo wins a technical award BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA just kidding, you'd be too smashed to get up in the morning

-You cringe at Gwyneth Paltrow's comedic timing. Stick to Glee, honey.

-You shudder whenever the camera shows Melissa Leo in remembrance of her awful speech (and DRESS) at last year's ceremony.

-You hear Jonah Hill talk about his past work, snicker, and think "Superbad?"

• "How to Train Your Dragon?"

• The role of "eBay Customer" in "40 Year Old Virgin?"

-You imagine Peter O'Toole shaking his fist at the television and yelling, "Curse you Christopher Plummer!"

-You hope you're as dapper and quick-witted and gracious at 82 as Christopher Plummer.

-You long for more camera time for Uggie the dog.

-You freak out because OMG BRET MCKENZIE OF FLIGHT OF THE CONCORDS JUST WON AN OSCAR

• OMG THE MUPPETS IS NOW AN OSCAR-WINNING MOVIE
  
  
• OMG THE DEAN FROM COMMUNITY JUST WON AN OSCAR

-PUT YOUR DAMN LEG AWAY, ANGELINA JOLIE.

• And your lips, while you're at it.
  
• And eat a goddamn cupcake.
  

-Alton Brown drunk-tweets the Oscars (you will be very, very drunk if you stick to this rule).

-Someone complains about how "predictable" the Oscars were this year. Because if they weren't predictable, I'd be facing a news feed full of my movie should've won whining this morning. And I do not enjoy whining. So you thank your lucky stars that Billy Crystal hosted and that Angelina Jolie talked like a geriatric Jessica Rabbit and that Jennifer Lopez may have had a nipslip and that The Artist took home Best Picture and Octavia Spencer cried. Because for the most part, it's what we wanted. And it's what we got.

What were your favorite moments, y'all? Did your favorites win? How'd ya like Billy C? Who was best-dressed (My picks, in this order: Miss Piggy, Jessica Chastain, Penelope Cruz)? Who was worst? Dish it all in the comments!